Fruit and Greens Salad:

a nutritionally dense and delicious arrangement of lovely things that should taste way worse but doesn’t.

1 each chopped apple, pear, orange, and ripe mango

1 cup each of chopped honeydew

1/2 cup each of pineapple and green grapes

1 chopped banana

half a head of lacinato kale, cut into thin shreds - *see prep notes*

1/2 cup of thinly shredded rainbow chard

1/2 cup of sprouted quinoa (optional, but delicious!)

1/4 cup dry medium coconut shreds

1/8 cup each of sunflower, pumpkin, and hemp seeds

agave nectar

tsp of fresh, finely grated ginger

black sesame

pinch of cloves

pinch of cardomam

to make the kale so lovely- “wilt” it. Toss the kale leaves (no stems!) in a tbsp of lemon juice and a drizzle of agave nectar, and let it sit while you chop up the rest of the ingredients. When it is uniformly a deeper green, add it to the ingredients as listed above, and finish with a sprinkle of black sesame. Makes at least 8 generous servings. 

Pictured here: Olive tapenade, Creamy Cauliflower, Spinach and Mozza Dip, and fiery sweet enhancing sauce. See previous recipe for olive tapenade. Served with dehydrated smoked carrot crackers, blue and red corn tortilla chips, and raw kohlrabi triangles.

Creamy Cauliflower Spinach and Mozza Dip:

(serves 4-6)

You’ll need:

2 tbsp olive oil

1 Medium white or yellow onion, diced small

2 large cloves of finely grated garlic

1/4 cup each of fresh basil and dill, minced

1 tbsp of fresh rosemary

1/2 tsp celery seed

1 tsp onion powder

1 tsp dried oregano

1/2 tsp sage

fresh cracked pepper to taste

1 tbsp tamari

1 tsp lemon zest, lemon juice set aside.

2 tbsp tahini

1.5 - 2 cups frozen or lightly steamed spinach

Head of Cauliflower, boiled and mashed

8 ounces of Daiya mozzarella style cheese (1 bag)

1/2 cup original veganaise

1/4 - 1/2 cup of coconut or cashew cream

salt to taste, if necessary

SO. Take the oil, and start a medium sauce pan on medium heat. Saute the onions with the celery seed until soft on the edges and nearly clear right through the center. Once nearing fully cooked, add the garlic, herbs, and dry spices. Don’t cry, pansies, it’s just some onions. Once the onions saute together with the spices and thicken, add the lemon juice, tamari, and spinach. This is going to already taste like the tip of the sweetest dong you ever…sampled? - but! There’s a bit more to do to coax the flavour further out of this raging dip dong. Wow, I am really running on that premise there.

 On low heat, stir in the mayo and cheese until the cheese melts and everything blends together nicely. Add coconut or cashew cream to deepen the creaminess and salt to taste until it looks like a good dip-like consistency, like a thick pea soup. I don’t know what viscosity you like your dip, ok? Just figure it out, clown puncher. Serve warm with tortilla chips or in a sourdough bowl. Or nude, freshly waxed abdomen. However you like it.  NEXT!

Sweet and Fiery Like a Total Hottie Sauce

serves 4-6 

Mix together the following:

1 ounce chilli paste, or even a commercial hot sauce

3 ounces agave nectar

1/2 inch of fresh grated ginger

pinch of chilli flakes

1tbsp of grated carrot

1 small clove of garlic, minced

pinch of orange or grapefruit zest

1 tsp black sesame seeds

salt/pepper to taste

Tell everyone to use this super sparingly- as this is just to accent the flavours and add pleasant and tasty heat, just like I get from your momma who is so fine. Just mix it together and serve in a small dish.

Naughty and Vanilla Berry Parfait *RAW*

Naughty and Vanilla Berry Buckwheat Groat Parfait *RAW*

This is a relatively common raw recipe, but my twist is the tasty dried fruit whip/paste and flavour alterations. Please enjoy this healthy treat on your next brunch OR I WILL SHOW UP THERE AND ELECTROCUTE YOUR NIPPLES, SLAVE.  Oops, wrong book. You’d think I’d just delete that.

You’ll need:

1 cup whole Buckwheat Groats, soaked for at least 4 hours

2 cups whole RAW Almonds, soaked overnight

1/2 cup each of dried apricots, dates, and golden raisins (Soaked for a few minutes in warm water to soften them)

2 cups of chopped and stemmed Strawberries

1 chopped banana, or any other fruit you enjoy

1 lemon

agave nectar or maple syrup

whole ground vanilla, nutmeg, and cinnamon

sea salt

1/2 cup water

Olive oil

Ok, first, you gotta make some almond yogurt type stuff. Take the two cups of almonds soaked overnight and drained, and put them in a food processor with the juice of one lemon. (For whiter, smoother, and creamier results, peel the almonds as you scream and cry tears of blood as you tear out your hair.) Process into paste or small meal. Add three to six soaked dates, (the kind from trees, not people you are trying to bang) drizzle of oil and a pinch of salt, and continue to process while adding a slow stream of COLD water until the mixture is similar to yogurt in consistency. You can add agave nectar, and vanilla to sweeten and flavour it. This alone can be used in a variety of ways or enjoyed alone with fruit. Clean out your food processor or blender and set this aside. That’s one layer.

Next, combine the dried apricots, dates, and golden raisins in the food processor with maple or agave, and spices to taste, and blend into a paste. Some people enjoy adding lemon zest and grated ginger as well, but mostly just losers. Just kidding. I was just being a sourpuss. I’ll fix that with some almond yogurt. Anyway, put this mixture into another vessel suitable for storing it temporarily. I like an antique bedpan. That’s two layers ready to go.

Lastly, depending on taste, roughly chop the strawberries and banana ( or other fruit of your choosing, rogue) as their own layer, pulse in the food processor to mince, or straight up puree it, depending on your taste.

TEAM PARFAIT ASSEMBLE!!!!!!

In a glass, or champagne flute for you fancy panties, add layers gradually to make a delightful layered dessert. I start with buckwheat groats and the chopped fruit, then the yogurt, then the apricot/date paste, and repeat. If you puree your fruit, you may need to thicken it with chia or flax meal so the heavier ingredients don’t sink through. Look at the picture and do it like that - ish. Easy as pie, if pie wasn’t cooked, and assembled in layers.

From your friendly non-evangelical yet still somewhat militantly vegan singing friend,
David, vox,

Season To Attack. 

This is a fun and easy raw recipe that is CRAZY HEALTHY and TASTES AWESOME that I just made with mind-hurting detail this past weekend, so here it is:

You’ll Need:

1Medium/Large Butternut Squash, rind and seeds removed.

(enough for 2 cups of raw, rough chopped squash.)

1/4 to 1/2 cup of tahini or raw sesame seeds, depending on taste

Juice of 1 Lemon

2-3 Tbsp of Extra Virgin Olive Oil

1 large clove of Garlic

2 Tbsp chopped Red Onion

1 tsp ground Cumin

1 tsp Sea Salt

set aside:

1/4 cup of fresh, finely chopped Parsley

1 Tbsp Olive Oil

Paprika

other ingredients:

Half a head of fresh Purple Cabbage, cut into triangles. 

*See alternate flavours and ways to jive this mutha up at the end of the recipe.*

First, lightly pulse the rough chopped squash and garlic in a food processor or a blender until it is all a uniform size, in bits approximately the size of rice. Add all other ingredients (except for the ones you set aside, Spanky…)and process until it is a smooth and creamy mixture. If you are using raw whole sesame, you must process it into a flour using a coffee grinder or food processor. Gradually drizzle a bit of olive oil in as it’s stirred to make a thick paste, and add that to the processed squash. Do your best to not rub this all over your tits, even though it will be tempting.

When this shat get it’s dip on after some blending, stir in the parsley and spoon it into a bowl. Drizzle the olive oil over the hummus, and sprinkle with paprika. Set this bowl in the centre of a plate and arrange the Cabbage “chips” around it and serve. Get ready to punch the first dick who proclaims that these aren’t actually chips, and enjoy!

This a great tasting dip all around, but feel free to add other delicious flavours, pureed or chopped fine and stirred in. Some good ideas: Olive Tapenade (recipe coming soon), saked and pureed Sundried Tomatoes, Marinated Artichokes, Red Bell Pepper, Pureed Pine Nuts, Rosemary, Pureed Chipotle, Liquid Smoke, or anything else you can think of. Except kerosene. I wouldn’t add kerosene. Or Cat hair. Maybe just stick to those ideas I already said maybe. 

You’ll need:

I medium eggplant, firm and uniformly purple, sliced into 1/4 inch discs.

marinara sauce ( add a dash of ketchup for a bit of sweetness!)

1 cup daiya mozzarella style vegan cheese

spinach, arugula or mixed greens

Kaiser Buns or Foccaccia bread

grapeseed or olive oil for pan frying

1/2 green and 1/2 yellow bell pepper, sliced into thin strips

1/2 large white onion, sliced into thin strips

1 1/2 cups of sliced white or brown mushrooms

1 tsp tamari

salt/pepper to taste

dash of liquid smoke (optional)

splash of balsamic vinegar

pinch of rosemary, dill

tsp of sweetener- sugar/agave/maple syrup, etc

pinch of turmeric for colour and health

olive oil

Breading:

2 cups flour 

1 tsp salt

1 tsp onion powder

1/2 tsp pepper

1/2 tsp paprika

1/2 tsp ground oregano

1/2 tsp ground thyme

1/2 tsp ground ginger

1 cup of rice milk in a small bowl, set aside.

First, preheat your oven to 450 degrees so it matches your hot self. Next, make the sauteed veggies, you lazy sucker. In a medium hot skillet, sautee the onions and peppers together in a bit of olive oil with rosemary, and dill, with salt and pepper to taste. When the onions are starting to become a hint soft and translucent, add the smoke, dash of tamari, vinegar, turmeric, and sweetener. Reduce the vegetables in this mixture until onions are clear and mushrooms are soft and tender, like your momma was last night. Set this aside, because this is so fucking tasty you are gonna want to bang this up yourself, and you gotta take a minute to make yucky eggplant taste like enchanted, crispy mouth porn.

Prepare the breading. Mix the flour and spices together with a whisk, and don’t be gentle. That’s some naughty breading. For a crispier batter, add a tsp of taro, potato, or corn starch.  Once mixed well, preheat a large pan on medium high heat with grapeseed oil covering the bottom. As the oil heats up, dip the eggplant discs into the rice milk, and drop them into the flour mixture, enveloping them in a savoury jacket of delicious before marching them to their oily 

death. A helpful tip when breading- always use one hand for handling the dry breading, and the other for dipping it back in the milk. Once coated once, gently dip it back to the milk and drop back into the flour, until well coated, usually three coats. Do 6-12 discs at a time and fry immediately, flipping after 1- 2 mins to brown both sides.  Switch oil after two batches for best taste. When all the discs are fried to a crispy golden brown, put aside and get ready to assemble and broil the sandwiches! Safety tip: don’t dip your penis or clitoris into hot oil. Contrary to common belief, the genitals don’t recover well from oil scalding. Plus, that may draw into question the vegan nature of this dish.

On a lightly toasted Bun or bread, put a generous portion of the cooked sauteed veg, topped with 4-6 crispy eggplant discs. Pour marinara over the other side, and add a bit on top of the discs. sprinkle the saucy little sandwich with Daiya Cheese, and repeat to make four to 6 sandwiches. Bake open faced under the broiler until the cheese is melted and the bun is browned. Remove from oven, and add a handful of cool fresh greens, and mash that fucker closed. Get a napkin, because this sandwich will not go without a deliciously saucy fight. 

Let me know what you think!